As reported on Rocket News, and forwarded my way by a concerned reader (JJ) who thought I should see this—someone has been pooping all over the floors of Shibuya train station!
No… not just a steaming pile of poop… we’re talking about 30 turds on the Shibuya Station platform of the Yamanote Line in Tokyo. (Image taken from HERE.) That police officer always gets the worst jobs...
Let’s get one thing straight: This could only have been done by one very sick individual… or a bunch of drunken frat boys on a dare.
Left in a more or less straight line on the floor this past April 30, 2017, it formed a dotted line about 50 meters (164 feet) long and was not one long “why-won’t my butthole close to pinch this loaf” turd, but rather a line made up of plenty of little ones.
It was placed by person(s) unknown just before the last train of the night was due to arrive… which left many a commuter wondering if they dare cross the line (gag) or take a more expensive taxi home (double gag).
I'm pretty sure that drunk or not, I can make my way through the gauntlet of excrement unscathed to take a train and even if I don’t… I have a funnier story to tell the next day.
DID YOU KNOW?!: Did you know that turds are tapered so your a$5hole won't slam shut?
Laying Down A Plan
So… how could anyone get away with this?
Surely you can’t be serious - the incident must have been caught on film?
I am serious - and don’t call me Shirley. I would assume there is a suspect now… medium height, male, Asian, black hair, brown eyes, Pete Rose haircut.
It's only a matter of time, and the process of elimination, before the police nab their fartful dodger.
I am eliminating 1/2 the population of Japan by saying the suspect is a he, but I have no evidence of that except that men and women do a different kind of crazy from one another.
We would have to be talking about a mental health issue here, because no chemically-balanced person is going to do something like this.
So... unless this was freshly squeezed... with one guy walking like a duck dropping a turd every few meters with pin-point control—highly unlikely, as no guy has ever had pin-point control of anything in a bathroom—this was a guy who was not only angry enough with his smear campaign, but he was angry enough to do it over several days.
Think about it... 30 turds... while one could do it in a single sitting (spelled correctly), that person would more than likely have diarrhea... thus no turds...
Now... assuming this was just one, angry man, he would have to poop... pick up the poop, store it someplace...eat more bran fiber... poop... pick up the poop, store it in a separate container... poop... pick up the poop, store it in a separate container... ad nauseum until he had—in his own warped mind—enough poop for his planned turd world attack on Shibuya Train Station.
Then... he would have to take his separate containers of poop—if they aren't separated, he risks the possibility of the turds sticking together—transport them...
I would assume a backpack, but you know what they say about assume... ass-u-me...
Regardless... it is taken in a backpack, let's say... and even though it's in a bunch of containers which you can never use again (same for the backpack)... then you have to place the backpack on your back, travel to Shibuya station... pay to enter the station... go to your hopefully pre-chosen spot... it has to be pre-chosen, after all... everything else about this plan is NOT random... then open up the individual containers of poop... and thank goodness the 15 days it took that person to poop produced good, soft, smelly turds and not anything as long as your arm or Jello pudding-like.
Then... then he has to snap on some rubber gloves, pick up the poop, and then place them down in a relatively straight line... ensuring that the battle line is drawn... at least I hope he wore gloves...
Then he has to scram... ensuring he doesn't leave any more evidence of himself around than he already has... if he's not in the system, they have no DNA to track him down... so he has to replace the lids on his turd containers, place them back into his backpack, remove his turd-stained gloves but NOT throw them out in any nearby garbage receptacle... hopefully place them into its own plastic container to avoid the intoxicating stench from escaping...
... and then make his escape while making sure not to step in trouble of his own making....
I can only assume he had on a hoody, a mask for obvious reasons, and thus could remain unrecognizable - especially if he wore a navy blue pinstriped business suit - even if the cameras caught him on tape.
So... some questions:
Why Shibuya train station?
Why place the turds in a row?
Why such a long stream of angry turds?
How angry was this person - as it had to have taken multiple days to poop that much?
Was this a work of anger against the subway system? Against commuters?
Could this have been the work of an artist? People think that the stranger the medium, the better the art, but that's just shite.
Could this have been the work of a university frat prank... multiple turd makers, maybe only one turd planter?
How do you clean this mess up? Who has this job? Thank goodness we know they have enough masks to to mask the turdible stench.
I assumed one could use a fireman-like hose to blow that dookie down onto the tracks... but then it just sits there... smelling... and that's hardly fair to the subway rats...
Then I thought that some sort of vacuum could be used.
Then some junior high school kids could come in and use a mop and soapy water.
Then some guy with a Master degree in English Literature could come and dry mop it with some sawdust.
Then someone else could come in with a floor buffer... someone could hang some anti-poo-pouri... a shinto priest could come by and say a prayer for the turd spirits, and then a Buddhist priest could bless the area with incense... and 47 minutes later the station could be opened up in time to let passengers catch that last train keeping Japan's train record for always being on time pretty much spotless since 1990.
It's okay Japan... you are hardly the first nation to have stuff like this happen.
I can recall back when my magazine was owned by Rogers Communications... and at the main office complex some guy... probably on our floor... would come in early or stay real late... take a crap.. and then flip it up onto the ceiling and walls.
It happened more than once.
But seeing as how the office uses special cards to enter and exit the facility, it's easy to figure out who was around at odd hours... but needless to say, such matters were kept quiet. Still, we are talking about someone - a guy, if they went into the Men's Room - who is not uneducated... so all it can be is a mental health issue.
Okay, that's enough of that. I'm wiped.
Somewhere while looking out for number one, I stepped in number two,